All Paths Lead to Chaos

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"Porn: watching SOMEONE ELSE get laid. How exciting!"
I changed my msn name to the qoute above a few days ago (at the time of this posting). Just about every person on my contact list had something to say about it. Nearly every girl who talked to me completely agreed with me and nearly every guy who talked to me said I was wrong, except my friend Dylan who, seemingly understanding what I was saying, gave me "Tumbs up for intepretation!" I have to say that I was suprised by what people were saying, but that's not the point here. The next day, while at school, my buddy Rajeeth attempted (note the phrazeology there) to agrue on the side of the excitingness of porn. The conversation went as follows:

Me:	"Look, if you were a space alien [editor's note: Always start an arguemet with a space alien analogy, it never fails] who had just arrived on earth and happened to see someone watching something like "Good Will Humping" [this made us both laugh when I said it, but i dont think it's funny -ed.] then that's how you would interpret it."
Raj:	"No man, it's excting!"
Me:	"Exciting? You're watching somebody ELSE get laid! And if you're sitting there watching it, then chances are, that you're not. Especially not with some hot pornstar chick. That's not exciting, that's depressing! Think about it: You are NOT having sex, but this 45-year-old, hairy Italian guy with a huge beer-belly [I'm making a generalization here -ed] is!"
Raj:	"Yeah, but, at least you get to see the girl."
Me:	"Dude, [I cant believe I actually said 'dude'...-ed.] that's what your imagination's for. And I'm willing to bet that whatever fantasies you have in that porn-drenched [porn-drenched? I have to start thinking before I begin to speak -ed.] brain of yours don't include a fat, hairy Italian guy."
Raj:	"What about girl-on-girl, lesbian porn? That's hot man."
Me:	"That's worse! Now you're watching TWO incredibly hot women who you know (on account of the lesbianism) [that wasn't an editor's note, I actually said that -ed] will NEVER have sex with you."
Raj:	"Yeah, but what if they're bi?"
Me:	[It was here that I considered this prospect. And it actually sounded good until the following question crept in to my mind -ed] How would you know they're 'bi' unles they were BOTH with a guy?"
Raj:	"Well, I..."
Me:	"You couldn't. And now you're watching a fat, old, hairy Italian guy doing TWO women! While you're still getting nothing! That's even more depressing! That's enough to make a grown man cry!"
Raj:	"Well-"
Me:	"No! [check that out: A pre-emptive counter-arguement! -ed] If you sit down and think about it, porn is like a form of self-inflicted psycholigical torture! And whatever problems you have that have resutled in your not getting laid to begin with are no doubt worsened by watching it."
Raj:	"Well, if porn doesn't do any thing for you, then maybe you should go visit the 'Men's Clinic'"

And thus, it was left at that. There was more that could've been said, but I figured i should put an end to it before it before it reverted to childish name-calling, as most intellectual arguements (not that this was THAT intellectual) have the strange tendency to do.

I got my mail yesterday.

No, that wasn't my post, there is more to it than that. I was flipping through the mail and noticed that the only mail that I reiceve are letters that ask me to buy something or letters that demand that I pay for things that I have already bought. This month, I recieved the following:

A bill for keeping my self warm at night and for heating my food
a bill for keeping myself and my house clean (water bill)
A bill for a house that I have been paying for for what seems like years now
A bill for using the phone lines to access the internet to work on this site (phone bill)
An angry letter demanding that I pay off my Mastercard bill
A nice letter inviting me to apply for a Mastercard
A letter from the goverment saying that since I made too much money this year, I have to pay them as a result
A bill from an insurance company that, despite the amount of money you pay to be ensured, coincidently forgets that you exist when you've had an accident
A statement from a bank that is more than happy to take your money but is strangely unwilling to give you any of it back when you need it
A letter telling me that I may already be a millionaire and nobody was kind enough to tell me until now
A bill for trying to keep my kitchen sink from exploding.

It was this final bill that caught my eye the most. At the bottom, the bill said, in neatly printed letters "Early settlement would oblige." This got me thinking. Early settlement would oblige. So, these people come into my house, twist one nob, tap another, charge me an exorbinate fee for their lack of services, and expect me to rush out and pay them? Come on, lets be realistic here. They have already done what I needed them to do, why should I pay them at all? Would oblige? Why is it that am I trying to help them out? Did I miss soemthing? At the prices that they charge, they can hire someone to pay them sooner if that's what they really want.
Early settlement would oblige. I have them right where I want them.
In all honestly it gives me tremendous satisfaction knowing that I am going to wait a couple months before I pay them. And there's nothing that thy can do about it really. As long as they eventually get paid, all they can do is send me more letter politiely telling me "oblige" them and pay the bill.

The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =3D 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper. "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T =3D 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A'.

Have you ever been at a fast food restaurant and seen some asshole bitching at one of the employees because he had to wait and extra two minutes for his french fries? Or have you ever seen someone freaking out because their burger was not prepared the way they wanted it, even though they didn't bother to tell anybody that they would like it a certain way? If you are a person who is prone to do this sort of thing, then you probably should not read this. Instead, start hating yourself. Go sit alone and wallow in your own stupidity and then, when you have wallowed enough, go end your miserable, pathetic little life. I'll wait here...
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So anyway, anyone who is still reading this may have wondered why people act this way over stupid, meaningless things. If you have not wondered this, or have not in fact even thought about it, then please follow the instructions above.
Now, for the few dozen of you that are left, I will explain this bizzare buisiness of going absolutely ape-shit over a couple of Mc. Donalds fries. In the movie Fight Club the main charactor explains the use of single serving items on airplanes. Everything that you recieve on an ariplane is only used once, there is just enough for you and only you, and you are left with no waste to have to deal with later. The people that you meet on an airplane will talk to you and listen to you and act like your single serving friend. This has nothing to do with why people behave like retards in restaurants, but it does add some background to what I am about to explain.
There are many people today who lead busy, stressfull lives. There are even those whose lives are so busy and stressfull that they cannot even find the time to get good and agnry about things. These people have no proper way of expressing their frustrations with things like thier lives, the world that they are forced to live in, and the fact that their morning coffee wasn't made properly.
As a result, these people are forced to find new, easy ways to deal with their anger. However, getting into a fist-fight with a stranger or seeing a psychiatrist or taking a shotgun to work are not only time consuming, but usually do not end well. Thus, the busy buisinessman(woman) or parent of seventeen children must find a quick and easy way to to have it out with someone without being caught up in the after effects and missing some sort of board meeting or birthday party.
Here is where the fast food restaurnats come in. Restaurants such as Mc. Donalds and Harveys and Wendys and Burger King allow poeple to come in, rudely order their food, complain about the two minute wait, and then maticulously search for problems with their food so they can complian about that. Fast food restaurants serve as dispensers for Single-Serving Confrontations.
As such, a person can wander into a restaurant, start a fight with a perfect stranger, argue with them, insult them, threaten them, and generally make an ass of themselves, and never have to worry about having to see their opponent again or have to worry about the consequences of thier altercation.
However, as tempting as this idea is, it is strongly advised against. The consequences of taking out your problems on an employee of a fast food restaurant are both hanus and dangerous. The effects can range from spit, earwax, snot, and/or many other bodily fliuds entering your food; there have been instances where customers have found parts of other less-appetising animals in their burgers; cheeze that has been warmed in the cooks arm-pit or other such place; food that has been pre-chewed for you; and my own personal Device of Burger Vengance: The Urinal Burger!
Now that you know why people find reason in acting like completly ignorant jerk-offs, you can warn them that their stupidity will not go unpunished. Tell them that vengence lies in the hands of those who prepare their food, and we are not to be toyed with.